Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare
was fun. Lots of fun. It was also, obviously, a total fluke, because the main Red Dead
game was irritating, LA Noir
felt dull and empty, GTA 4
was a chore to play and now GTA 5
is loaded with even more trademark Rockstar rage-quit-inducing pleasantries.
With that track record, you'd think a person of (at least) average intelligence, like me, would have steered clear of the game.
I did not.
Lets see what I've done in San Andreas today: I've not shot any Elk because of the insta-death mountain lions, I've driven off a foot high cliff and exploded in a manner that would suggest the chassis of crappy rust bucket I was driving had been crafted from uranium, I've been knocked over in the road and then continuously mown down by other vehicles until dead, I've watched the player-character casually start walking around a vehicle to enter it despite the urgency implied by both my hammering of the control pad and the sh*tload of bullets being fired at him, I've watched the player character not get out of a vehicle during a similar situation and I've punched myself repeatedly in the face for being so stupid as to buy another hateful product from that over-rated studio.
Yes, GTA/Red Dead/LA Noir
are all very pretty, very detailed virtual renditions of both fictitious and real world environments, but they are crap games. They frustrate, they irritate, they are not fun. It's as though their designers sit down, come up with a load of good ideas and then ask "How can we make this as loathsome an experience as possible? What can we do to make the player feel relief that the experience is over, rather than relish it and want to repeat it?"
"Oh, but Rockstar tell good stories!" Some argue.
Well, they've worked out a way of f**king us over there, too. Thanks to the character jumping in GTA 5
, you constantly have this nagging thought at the back of your head that you're missing something. That by selecting one mission over another, you're not going to see a cutscene or a unique event.
"That's to make the game more replayable."
Replayable? Why the flying f**k would I want to endure this a second time?! The only reason I keep going back to any of their titles at all is to try and justify the absurd amount of coin I have to part with in order to play them.
I hope to god that when GTA6
is released, I have the sense to stay the hell away from it.
But then, that's what I said after GTA4
Maybe that's Rockstar's business plan? Only release new instalments of any single franchise after at least a 5 year hiatus. That way, idiot gamers will have either A) forgotten the rotten, joyless gameplay of the previous instalment, or B) optimistically believe that tips will have been taken from genuinely fun titles and that the new instalment will not want to make players take the game disk up to the developers' offices in Edinburgh, break it into lots of sharp little pieces and force feed it to the collective f**king staff.
That's right: Edinburgh. I KNOW WHERE YOU WORK.Bastards.