I am absolutely delighted with it. It’s everything I hoped it would be: Terrible.
Had it looked GOOD, there would have been this nagging feeling that I’d be missing out on something if I stuck to my vow of never again watching another Michael Bay movie. I have fond childhood memories of the Turtles, so I may have weakened. But because it looks like, well, a Michael Bay movie, that feeling simply isn’t there. I have no desire, at all, to pay for or sit through that film.
Transformers 3 was the last chance I was willing to give. I thought “There’s no way it could actually be WORSE than Transformers 2. I’ll give it a shot”.
Somehow…. it was.
That was it. That was the breaking point. No more Bay. EVERYTHING he goes near is pure effluent, and all the evidence you need of how toxic a film Turtles is going to be is in that trailer.
Obviously, we don’t know what the plot is at this point, but it’s a Michael Bay film, and if plot is generally treated as irrelevant by the producer, we can feel less guilty about passing judgement on the film based purely on the visuals.
First, Megan Fox is not April O’Neil. She’s just Megan Fox, and Megan Fox’s contribution to theatrical entertainment begins and ends with perching on a motorbike wearing very little. That’s it. That’s her sole role in any film. That or a variation of it.
Then there are the Turtle designs, which have attracted a lot of flak, with people comparing them to all manner of things. The general view seems to be that Michelangelo looks like Mike Tyson crossed with some form of root vegetable.
I didn’t think that at all. The first thing that popped into my head when I saw them was: they’ve tuned the Turtles into f**king Goombas.
Personally, I think they looked better in pre-production…..y’know, before they added the CGI. If they have a special feature on the DVD where the CGI is absent, I might actually buy that.
And finally there’s the city-wide destruction and utterly indecipherable action sequences we’ve had in every Bay film since Transformers, all directed by the guy who brought us the Grecian chamber-pot, Wrath of the Titans: a sequel that nobody wanted to a film that everybody hated.
If you want to go and watch this Turtles film, if you want to give Bay your money and piss away 2+ precious hours of your life that could be spent on something more constructive, despite all of the evidence you’ve seen, that you’ve probably witnessed yourself, that Bay’s films are among the worst the world has ever seen: there’s nothing I can say that’ll stop you.
Go buy your ticket.
Smart people are going to either buy or rewatch TMNT (2007): www.youtube.com/watch?v=gisFzh…